Fertility Journey 2.0…. continued
December 2021, marked 12 years since my first miscarriage. If you have followed my journey so far then you know it hasn’t been easy with many miscarriages, failed IVF treatments and trying so many different ways to not only get pregnant but to stay pregnant too.
I have always found journaling very helpful to get thoughts out of my head so I decided to continue writing my story, to help release the many emotions for myself and for others to not feel alone in their own journey to conceive.
Its October 2021 and I had been feeling super tired, sore boobs and just overall a bit blah! (Blah is such a great word, right! Everyone can relate to it) I worked out I was a few days late for my period, which to be honest is more my normal than it being a regular 28 day cycle. I had a lucky last Pregnancy Test in my bedside drawer, so what the heck, I may as well check.
I knew the moment I started peeing that I was pregnant, this feeling came over me and I said to myself out loud “I’m bloody pregnant, I am going to see two pink lines today” and about 30 seconds later that is exactly what happened, TWO PINK LINES!
So now I am pregnant, you could not wipe the smile and joy from my face, something I haven’t been able to achieve for many years now and the feeling is so overwhelming, I was dying to tell my partner (who was over the moon when I did after he got home from work that day) and our family, our friends and others who have supported and been apart of my journey but for now only a couple of others know as I embark on this journey again, early pregnancy!
I have found over the years to tell a small circle of people for support is a good plan, that way you have people to share your joyous news with and also support if and when you need it. The more people you tell at this stage, the more people you need to tell should it not go to plan. You can also just enjoy it, without others “well meaning” comments, potentially bursting your wee happy bubble.
Going from my last period, I am a day shy of 5 weeks when I find out, so it is early days and when you have been through so many baby losses in the past, unconsciously this feeling of anxiety creeps into your mind. At times, all consuming.
I do all the normal things one does when you find out your pregnant, download a baby/pregnancy app so I could mindfully know what stage this beautiful growing being was at inside me each week, check in with the GP to arrange early scans, blood tests and anything else that might be helpful to me at this stage and investigate who we may want as our midwife.
It is a tricky little minefield of emotions as I reach the six-week mark. Checking for blood each time I go to the bathroom, which seems to be ALL THE TIME at the moment, is this going to be the day my world crashes down again? Giving myself many a pep talk throughout my days that I am doing all I can do and being the best I can be for growing our wee babe, sometimes these self chats are not enough to keep my mind at ease, so I try to keep busy (while battling random tiredness that strikes whenever it likes!) with work, exercise, healthy eating, catching up with friends and family (man it is hard not to say anything) and actively relaxing, meditation and breathing exercises are a big support of my mental wellbeing.
I wake early, on a Sunday, well into week 6 with no symptoms at all, my sickness is gone and everything else seems to fade away during the day, I have that sinking feeling that I am going to miscarry and I break down into tears. Supported by my amazing partner he calls in a bestie for support and later that day I start to spot bleed.
Here we go again, WHY? It’s at this point it all just feels so unfair. I knew our Midwife would be calling the following day so we await her call and let her know what’s happened, she is so reassuring, kind and springs into a its not over till we know its over attitude, she arranges for me to have a blood test and I already had a scan booked in for a couple of days’ time. It feels so strange, that there could be hope that I am still pregnant, now spotting blood, no sore boobs, no morning sickness, NOTHING! Has our wee soul left us already ?
The blood results are in 4050hcg, both our Midwife and my GP are happy with this hormone level and it would indicate I am less far along than I thought (thanks to irregular periods and late ovulation!) – It would suggest I am around 5-5.5 weeks along, I had stopped spotting too, the ultrasound the next day confirms this dating, and we can see a pregnancy and yolk sack, although it is still too early to see anything else.
I start on a low dose aspirin, due to all my previous miscarriages. I also start taking a higher dose of folic acid. This wee babe needs all the help it can get!
I am not sure what is harder, thinking I have miscarried, but then not miscarried or both of those together? I need a blood test to confirm it either way. It is a long 3 days wait from the ultrasound to my next set of blood tests to reveal if my Hcg (pregnancy hormone) is rising, this will confirm our answers.
Are we on the BABY TRAIN or NOT ON THE BABY TRAIN??? ……………………………….
Our Latest Hcg results skyrocketed up up up, it feels so surreal and apart of me thinks it is too good to be true. I will have another scan in 3 weeks’ time to check in. In the meantime, it is life as usual, carrying on, trying to feel the joy in this miracle but then there is a small part of me that is still not allowing my heart to fully get too attached, subconsciously guarding myself from past hurts.
I visualize this pregnancy, how it will feel and look like, birth and holding our baby in our arms, healthy and filling our hearts with happiness.
A devastating blow at our 9-week scan, no heartbeat, just a lonely wee pregnancy sack, still growing and my body not realizing the little bean has slipped away on us. I had no signs of another miscarriage, no more bleeding or cramps. A week later it started with light cramps and then BOOM! The pain and the blood hit me so fast. It was intense physical and emotional pain all at once. I couldn’t get up fast enough and left blood where I sat, I spent the next few hours in and out of pain as my body contracted the pregnancy from within me, I was blessed to have my man by my side, supporting me.
There is no glory in miscarriage, no coming out the other side with a babe in your arms, you go through the pain, the gore and blood…only to be left still wanting and back to the start of your baby train journey.
Another week later, the pregnancy sack releases from within me, I saved this, and we planted it under a pink rose in our garden, as a beautiful reminder that we cherished this wee babe, even though we never got to meet.
Greif comes in waves, the feeling of “why” and of pure loss. I have been here before, too many times! My very supportive midwife refers me back to the local gynecologist so they can follow up with my care and it is back to the drawing board, re-running a range of tests that will maybe provide some answers, or maybe not, and I feel the need more than ever to look at my body holistically.
What does looking after my body holistically look like? For me it is,
Slowing down, reading a book or positive article, journaling, fresh air, sunshine and mindfulness. Lets be honest…Netflix plays a role here at times too!
Meditation and Reiki, allowing a calming of the mind, stillness and flowing of energy.
Massage, releasing physical blocked energy and promoting good circulation within the body.
Breathwork, to let go of emotions and holdings I didn’t realize were still lingering. If you haven’t been to a breathwork session….I HIGHLY recommend!
Exercise, I wouldn’t be without my weekly PT sessions, a must for the mind and body! I am blessed to have the best PT, she motivates me and we always have a good laugh, which is great for my soul!
Nutrition, this has been a huge part of my recent health journey, using food in a positive way to balance the hormones in my body. I wont lie, it is hard to eat well (or at all!!) when you have no appetite, but a handful of Blueberries always makes me feel better. Find something you love to snack on and start small to grow your appetite back.
Light, allowing myself to be in the light, to not feel burdened down by the current surroundings, it has been hard to block these out but it has been the best for myself to flourish again and to hold the light for others.
For now, for me, I feel blessed to have been given hope again that I can get pregnant, wanting more than ever to hold that wee babe within and then holding them in my arms when the universe aligns.
Until then, my soul light babe, I will wait for you.
Sending baby dust to all those trying to conceive, blessings to you and your future babes, you are not alone.
Love & light,